Marcus Atwater

Credit cards are great. You can use them to buy things without having to carry around a bunch of dirty money. But credit cards are much more than just substitutes for cash.

Lock Pick

If you forget your keys, a credit card can be a handy way to regain access to your home. Simply slide the card between the door and the doorjamb and tilt it so it's almost touching the doorknob, then bend it the opposite way. This will force the bolt back into the door so it'll open when you turn the knob. Make sure you use one of your secondary credit cards when picking locks, as the card may get bent or break in the process.

Scissor Tester

Purchasing a new pair of scissors can be exciting but also anxiety-provoking, as you want to make sure you're investing in quality. A good pair of scissors should open, close, and cut easily, and the necessary closing effort must be even. Furthermore, the blades should be well-honed and lie on top of each other when closed. Like using a card for lock picking, it's a good idea to use one of your non-primary credit cards when testing scissors, as the card will most likely be sliced in half and rendered useless.

Paint Scraper

Why spend $9.49 on a paint scraper with a 2.5" blade when you already have a perfectly good 3.37" credit card in your pocket? Scrape layers of paint with a student or business card to capture your unique artistic vision of a burnt umber sun setting over a dramatic landscape of cerulean skies and vermilion soil. When your masterpiece is done, make sure you thoroughly clean off your credit card before the paint dries and mucks up the magnetic stripe or your embossed 16-digit account number. 


Don't you hate it when you run into a gang of ninjas and realized you left your throwing stars at home? Lucky for you, travel cards make great projectile weapons. Just be careful when handling your plastic shurikens, and make sure they're not caring any high or overdue balances, as that will hurt your credit score.

Cocaine Cutter

Cocaine is a highly addictive, dangerous, and illegal drug. Abuse of cocaine can lead to acute cardiovascular or cerebrovascular emergencies, resulting in death. Credit Authority does not condone the use or abuse of illicit substances. That said, if you insist on chopping up coke into thin white lines, we hope you'll at least use a credit card that offers low interest rates and generous rewards on everyday purchases.

Marcus Atwater has a 666 credit score and he's not ashamed to admit it.

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